WARNING: whine o' meter is off the friggin charts today.
my body is clearly at war with itself. i am getting to the point where i am so physically and mentally uncomfortable going into work every day, sitting behind my desk with the odd pile of things that should be done (but doesn't seem at all important anymore), when all i want/need is to be home and getting things ready for the baby. but then at night, when i pull into the garage and heave sighs of relief at being home again at last and kissing husband and nuzzling cat, i can't muster the strength to do anything other make dinner and collapse into bed. then sleep is more or less an elusive beast. i find that the deepest, most restful periods of sleep are always the weekend naps, sometime mid afternoon, that husband has been enthusiastically encouraging. he putters around the living room and kitchen quiet as a mouse or goes out and gets some of his errands done and just lets me sleep. gorgeous, luxurious sleep. in those few hours i completely forget i'm pregnant at all and can spread out my limbs in every which direction without any discomfort.* sleep during these times is so all-encompassing, all-consuming that i often roll to my back or right side (the horror! the shame!) and not even realize it. it's like several layers deep of sleep, like "inception" sleep...only, for the most part, without people trying to kill me or snowmobile chases or a suicidal ex.
*no offense to ND whatsoever, but at night i'm always competing for bed space since he is such a cuddly sleeper (jesus, the things i complain about, right?) and then the cat always ends up in the mix at some point during the night - usually stretching out his enormously furry, pudgy, puma body, taking up a third of the available sleeping space. and since i'm already running several degrees warmer at all times now with all the baby baking, the cuddling isn't as adorable because i'm usually already sweating like a whore in church and my bladder feels like it might actually explode due to the gallons of water that i'm perpetually chugging (oh.so.thirsty.all.the.freaking.time) and i have to get up and pee every hour but my limbs don't want to move and my belly is soooo heavy that having to roll my body over my mountainous body pillow and then the side of the bed is like trying to roll a beached whale back into the ocean by pushing it up a hill first and the bathroom is just down the hallway but it always seems sooooo sooooo very far away...
here's my crude 5 minute stick figure rendering of a typical night:
and weekend naptime: ahhhhhhh.
i've been cooking and baking a lot. a lot. a lot. recipe blogs and websites have become my porn. "oh mama, you're going to saute those chanterelles and steam those greens, oh yeah you are, you dirty little minx. talk spices to me now, yeaaaaah. you know how i like it." ahem. things like roasted veggies, stirfrys, breads and other "warm" comfort foods are at the top of my list. new recipes that look/sound appealing at first haven't been 100% successful in the taste department (aka the meatloaf) but i can tell ND is at least happy with the effort.
(witness last night's deliciousness)
i am wondering (aka fretting) a lot lately about things like maternity leave (since in my case there is none to speak of with the exception of using up my vacation time) and when i should put that into use...if at all...before i go into labor. i'm frightened as all hell not to have some kind of a steady income for an indeterminate amount of time. i'm frightened to be lumped into the "stay-at-home" category of motherhood that for some reason tends to get caught in my throat, rolling around in my mouth like a bitter piece of food and i just can't get rid of the taste...no matter how many times i brush my teeth. i'm not at all bashing homemakers - i just have never felt like i was personally cut out for that. i need to have projects, inspiration, deadlines and people to talk to on a daily basis, not to mention the fact that certain factors have caused money to be tight right now as it is...and one income is infinitely more scary. but i am caught in this cycle right now because child care services are so expensive and my current salary would be a complete wash. i'm also frightened of the alternative right now - finding a part time job for nights and weekends which would help the income problem but which would result in me never seeing my husband anymore.
i am just tired today and frustrated with myself and fighting back tears for no reason whatsoever. those silly hormone surges again. it's really hard at times to look into the near future (t-minus 2 months) and not know or recognize what's coming. it's also hard to look and see things that are so very different from the life you've set up for yourself. while i'm elated to begin this journey, part of me is still hanging on, stubbornly, to the life and freedoms we had before... ND does a lot to try and convince me that things don't really have to change that much. and he's been through this all before AND with TWO children - so, i should relax, i should trust him, i should believe him... but then there's the barrage of people who ask me if this is my first child and feel the need to follow that up with "your life will never be the same again" and "get sleep while you still can, ha ha" and "good luck with that" and all of those stereotypical backhanded compliments or pieces of advice that do nothing but scare the mom-to-be into a near fetal position*.
*mama bee is unable to retract into a true fetal position due to the actual fetus already taking up most of the available retracting space. damn kid.
