11 weeks...

i'm currently sitting in our apartment in the afternoon glow, listening to KEXP live at Bumbershoot (which is not nearly as cool as being there live, but we're at a loss for concert ticket funds this year), taking in sweet espresso kisses from my husband as he gets ready to go out for a ride. i should be editing the massive pile of wedding shoot photos on the laptop in front of me but the stretching in my belly and mild heartburn after our early dinner of brats with sauerkraut and baked beans (still yummmmmm) is proving distracting.

i signed up for weekly updates from the website: http://www.babycenter.com/ and it's letting me know that today is the start of my 11th week of pregnancy.

crazy. i mean seriously, how crazy is this?

i want to be completely honest here, just in case any other first time, hesitant mothers stumble across this blog, so when i say i was "reluctant" what i mean is that i cried, not with joy, when the second little line on my e.p.t. home pregnancy test turned purple. this was not the life i had envisioned for myself....at least not yet. ND (my husband) and i had already talked about having a family and i was relieved to learn in our early dating history that because he already has two children from a previous marriage that he was neither for nor against having another child. the pressure was off. we could focus on each other and i could focus on building up my photography career here in seattle. the first year here in a new city, far away from my friends and family proved difficult, if not impossible at times, and i ended up taking a barista job just to pay the bills. i was miserable but totally and completely head over heels in love. what's a girl to do? so i grumbled and gritted my teeth through the worst of it and after several more disappointing rejections from photography positions, i settled into an office position at a school and kept up with side freelance photo jobs as much as humanly possible. more than several weddings fell in my lap and ND became the perfect assistant - he already has such a natural, creative eye. life was suddenly full of opportunity and promise. we could continue on our little freelance husband & wife photography business on nights and weekends and continue with our normal jobs during the weekday 9-5. and then i missed my period...

no big deal, i thought, i'd had scares before. i had been irregular since i moved (stress? altitude adjustment? too much exercise and free air? ha!), this wasn't anything to be concerned about, i told myself. the first test was too early on to tell anything for sure, but that second line made it's ghostly appearance, if only ever so slight as to make me go out and buy a box of three new tests. which proved to be a complete waste of money because a week later the first test out of the box left no doubt whatsoever. i actually mentally yelled at myself for spending so much money when all i needed was one. and then it dawned on me what this all meant...

my first week was a depression laden fog of tears and why me's and not now's. but somewhere down deeper than all that initial shock nonsense was the growing feeling that this was okay. that this was something good. i loved ND, i loved his family, my family loved him, i already knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him....i should feel lucky and overjoyed. it took several long talks over several weeks with him to access that part of my feelings and to figure things out for myself. honestly, the thing that broke me out of my funk was his joy and happiness at bringing a little one into the world. he was so freaking happy about the whole thing. he was already kissing my belly and saying sweet little nothings before i had gotten a handle on my condition. he calmed me so much. he drew me out of it. this could be okay....

we were married on orcas island a few weeks later, practically right on the ocean, in a private ceremony where my parents flew in as the only witnesses. it was romantic and lovely and i said "i do" to my husband without a second thought in the world. my love for him and his for me was never in question. whether i could bring a child into this world and care for it was still up for debate (in my head) but having this bond with ND made things seem a little simpler.

so here i sit, my belly a little more pronounced, and a little more calm and certainly happier than i was just a few weeks prior. i know we have a long, hard battle in front of us (certainly financially) but i'm getting myself mentally prepared for the fight. i have the most amazing prenatal personal trainer (which i'll talk more in detail about in another post), friends and a surrogate family who are already making the transition easy and as comfortable as possible.

now for the search for a doula or midwife....