griffin xander

oh goodness, i can't believe it's nearly been a full month...

griffin was born march 30th after a rather difficult and long labor. as the days go by i'm finding it harder and harder to express what i was feeling during those hours. i need to sit down and really write how he came into the world but lately all i can do is stare at his beautiful face and time seems to slip by at warp speed. i will say that i went into this whole process very optimistic and perhaps a little naive. i wasn't able to have the all-natural birthing experience that i wanted because at some point in the wee hours of the morning my head started fighting with my body and once that flicker of doubt creeped in the labor stalled and most likely would have indefinitely had there not been some interventions. it was hard, so very very unbelievably hard and scary when you can't control the waves of pain and exhaustion and you can't even catch your breath and there seems to be no end in sight. but little did i know that everything happened for a very important reason - the life of my son might have been compromised had we not gone to the hospital. my poor baby was born very blue with the umbilical chord wrapped around his throat and didn't breath on his own for several minutes after delivery. also, the amount of meconium in his lungs could have been catastrophic and had it not been for the handful of doctors and nurses frantically working on him...well, it's too devastating to put into words.

what i will say now is that the both of us are healthy and happy and my husband and i came out of the experience better for it. our little family is doing amazingly well. all is right with the world.

36 weeks

why, hello there, i have apparently swallowed a beach ball. 

32 weeks

comfort foods, nesting and hibernation


WARNING: whine o' meter is off the friggin charts today.


my body is clearly at war with itself. i am getting to the point where i am so physically and mentally uncomfortable going into work every day, sitting behind my desk with the odd pile of things that should be done (but doesn't seem at all important anymore), when all i want/need is to be home and getting things ready for the baby. but then at night, when i pull into the garage and heave sighs of relief at being home again at last and kissing husband and nuzzling cat, i can't muster the strength to do anything other make dinner and collapse into bed. then sleep is more or less an elusive beast. i find that the deepest, most restful periods of sleep are always the weekend naps, sometime mid afternoon, that husband has been enthusiastically encouraging. he putters around the living room and kitchen quiet as a mouse or goes out and gets some of his errands done and just lets me sleep. gorgeous, luxurious sleep. in those few hours i completely forget i'm pregnant at all and can spread out my limbs in every which direction without any discomfort.* sleep during these times is so all-encompassing, all-consuming that i often roll to my back or right side (the horror! the shame!) and not even realize it. it's like several layers deep of sleep, like "inception" sleep...only, for the most part, without people trying to kill me or snowmobile chases or a suicidal ex.

*no offense to ND whatsoever, but at night i'm always competing for bed space since he is such a cuddly sleeper (jesus, the things i complain about, right?) and then the cat always ends up in the mix at some point during the night - usually stretching out his enormously furry, pudgy, puma body, taking up a third of the available sleeping space. and since i'm already running several degrees warmer at all times now with all the baby baking, the cuddling isn't as adorable because i'm usually already sweating like a whore in church and my bladder feels like it might actually explode due to the gallons of water that i'm perpetually chugging (oh.so.thirsty.all.the.freaking.time) and i have to get up and pee every hour but my limbs don't want to move and my belly is soooo heavy that having to roll my body over my mountainous body pillow and then the side of the bed is like trying to roll a beached whale back into the ocean by pushing it up a hill first and the bathroom is just down the hallway but it always seems sooooo sooooo very far away...

here's my crude 5 minute stick figure rendering of a typical night:

and weekend naptime: ahhhhhhh. 

i've been cooking and baking a lot. a lot. a lot. recipe blogs and websites have become my porn. "oh mama, you're going to saute those chanterelles and steam those greens, oh yeah you are, you dirty little minx. talk spices to me now, yeaaaaah. you know how i like it." ahem. things like roasted veggies, stirfrys, breads and other "warm" comfort foods are at the top of my list. new recipes that look/sound appealing at first haven't been 100% successful in the taste department (aka the meatloaf) but i can tell ND is at least happy with the effort. 

(witness last night's deliciousness)

i am wondering (aka fretting) a lot lately about things like maternity leave (since in my case there is none to speak of with the exception of using up my vacation time) and when i should put that into use...if at all...before i go into labor. i'm frightened as all hell not to have some kind of a steady income for an indeterminate amount of time. i'm frightened to be lumped into the "stay-at-home" category of motherhood that for some reason tends to get caught in my throat, rolling around in my mouth like a bitter piece of food and i just can't get rid of the taste...no matter how many times i brush my teeth. i'm not at all bashing homemakers - i just have never felt like i was personally cut out for that. i need to have projects, inspiration, deadlines and people to talk to on a daily basis, not to mention the fact that certain factors have caused money to be tight right now as it is...and one income is infinitely more scary. but i am caught in this cycle right now because child care services are so expensive and my current salary would be a complete wash. i'm also frightened of the alternative right now - finding a part time job for nights and weekends which would help the income problem but which would result in me never seeing my husband anymore. 

i am just tired today and frustrated with myself and fighting back tears for no reason whatsoever. those silly hormone surges again. it's really hard at times to look into the near future (t-minus 2 months) and not know or recognize what's coming. it's also hard to look and see things that are so very different from the life you've set up for yourself. while i'm elated to begin this journey, part of me is still hanging on, stubbornly, to the life and freedoms we had before... ND does a lot to try and convince me that things don't really have to change that much. and he's been through this all before AND with TWO children - so, i should relax, i should trust him, i should believe him... but then there's the barrage of people who ask me if this is my first child and feel the need to follow that up with "your life will never be the same again" and "get sleep while you still can, ha ha" and "good luck with that" and all of those stereotypical backhanded compliments or pieces of advice that do nothing but scare the mom-to-be into a near fetal position*.

*mama bee is unable to retract into a true fetal position due to the actual fetus already taking up most of the available retracting space. damn kid.

a few of my favorite prego worthy recipes

1. vanilla soy milk smoothie

this is my alternative to ice cream when i can fight the craving long enough to make this - it's definitely sweet enough to be really satisfying and filling. (it's also a starbucks hack on their smoothies from my coffee slinging days).

approx a 3/4 cup (or 1 cup depending on how liquid or dense you like your smoothies - i like mine to be difficult to suck out of a straw and therefor i end up reaching for a spoon) of vanilla soy milk

a banana (the riper it is - the sweeter your smoothie
1 scoop vanilla protein powder
 and then i practically fill up the rest of the blender with ice. (again, you may want to cut back if you like yours more liquid-y).
 
it's also great because you can add other fruits or fruit juices to mix it up a bit but i still like the plain ol' vanilla and banana.

2. pina colada quinoa (from the 10 cent diet)

this is perfect breakfast comfort food and husband even asked for seconds. 


1 cup quinoa
1 14 oz can light coconut milk
1 14 oz can crushed pineapple
1 Tbsp sucanat
1 tsp pure vanilla extract

Directions:

1. In a medium saucepan, bring the quinoa and coconut milk to a boil. Cover, reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes. Turn off heat and leave standing for 6 more minutes.

2. Drain the pineapple, reserving the juice. Stir 1/2 cup of the pineapple juice into the cooked quinoa. Add the sucanat and vanilla and mix well. Add a bit of salt to taste.

Stir the crushed pineapple into the mix and serve. Keeps for 2 days in a sealed container in the fridge.

3. Bruschetta with tomatoes, beans and herbs 

(i've been known to have just this for dinner and we're making it tonight as a side dish for our doula appointment).

this recipe makes a ton so we put the leftovers in an airtight container in the fridge and it actually gets better the longer it marinades.

1 16oz can of diced tomatoes (i like the ones with garlic, oregano and basil already added but it's not necessary and i always add the extra spices anyway)
1 16oz can cannellini beans
1 cucumber - peeled and diced
2 tablespoons thinly sliced green onion (i like lots more)
1 tablespoon fresh oregano leaves or 1 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon chopped fresh basil or 1 1/2 teaspoon dried basil
fresh ground pepper 
(i don't measure the herbs - i just add until it "feels right" which i'm sure ends up being a lot more then the recipe suggests).

country style white or wholewheat bread cut into slices (french bread or italian loaves work perfectly for this as well).
1 large garlic clove, cut in half
extra virgin olive oil

combine: all top ingredients in a bowl, including pepper to taste. toss well, cover and refrigerate 2-24 hours to allow the flavors to develop.

preheat: the broiler. arrange the bread slices on the rack and toast lightly. turn over and toast the other side. remove from heat and rub the cut side of the garlic clove over one side of each slice and brush with the olive oil.

pile: equal amounts of topping on the garlic-rubbed side of each bread slice. transfer bruschetta to a platter and serve immediately. 

4. roasted veggies
nabbed this easy recipe from one of husband's friends who made it on a campfire....mmmm...campfire makes everything taste good, doesn't it? 


Ingredients:
large yellow onion
carrots
sweet potatoes
yams
baby potatoes or fingerlings
whole garlic cloves
rosemary 
thyme
chantrels/shitakies
kosher salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

(really you can use whatever veggies you have laying around the house. no zucchini or peppers though - they tend to get too soggy. i might try the next batch with some fennel and fresh raw brussel sprouts).

on a tin-foil lined baking dish: cube up the whole lot, drizzle with virgin olive oil, sprinkle with the herbs and spices and mix well. 


this bakes in 375 oven on a cookie sheet until everything is lightly browned and crisp.

we made fajitas out of this a few weeks ago with some thin slices of flank steak that i marinated in a store-bought garlic sauce for a few hours. we then took small corn tortillas and evenly distributed the flank steak and scoopfuls of the veggie mix. substitute chicken for a healthier version and add sour cream for the less healthy but delicious version. 

29 weeks

GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

running morning joke between husband and i:

me: (usually exiting the bathroom in which i've been flashing my belly in the mirror to determine how the baby baking is progressing) "i am soooooo pregnant."
husband: (sometimes from a different room altogether) "yeeeeeeah you are."

it's silly and i can't convey his tone-of-voice over type (think sort of a "joey tribiani" thing) and it probably makes us look like dorks anyway but it gets a giggle out of me. every. single. time.

i am easily amused.

out in public, we've also been known to play the game: "put some socks and/or hat on your baby". which is exactly what it sounds like and is more or less muttered, though loudly, under our breaths. yes, we live in seattle. no, it's not antartica but it IS winter, is it not? therefor put some socks and/or hat on your friggin' baby. forthwith. you hippies.

THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL

so apparently 29 weeks is when the pregnancy starts to become not as awesome. (because we all know i was sooo riding the pro-preggo party train this whole time giving myself and all it's passengers high-fives and fist bumps. /sarcasm). nighttime sleep is becoming a thing of the past (although ND and i both partook in some glorious nappage this past weekend. like, completely dead to the world, blackout, coma naps. it ruled!), baby boy is developing and honing his newfound hobby of kicking me in the ribs in the same spot on the right side, bending over to put on my shoes in the morning is turning into some sort of olympic sport and the bladder (traitor!!!) is no longer completely under my control (sneezing, anyone?). funzies.

he's also starting to get heavy in the front. nothing particularly painful but it can be a little uncomfortable at times. especially after the 6 mile walk i did with ND and our friend, N, on sunday. gravity is definitely starting to take it's toll - wondering if i should invest in one of those pregnancy belt/harness contraptions or pregnancy spanx to take some of the pressure off? oh, and the little stinker decided for whatever reason to give me a swift kick (or a head-butt?) to the crotch on our last lap that had me double over and gasping for breath for a few seconds. that was, um, interesting...

funny now, not so funny at the time. but my boy's got game, that's for sure.

oh. and prenatal hiccups. those are crazy weird. constant little "kicks" for several minutes right on my pubic bone that you could set your watch to...almost like he's banging on a drum in there. yeah, kiddo, i don't want to work either, i just want to bang on the drum all day.

seriously though, i have nothing to complain about. i'm learning A TON, we have a bazillion supportive friends and family, ND is in daddy heaven (not to mention actually finds me sexy in this condition),  and it feels as though it's been a relatively easy pregnancy. (although i have nothing to compare it to personally, i've already heard the horror stories of full term morning sickness and other such fun ailments).

BALLS

rather than just fret about something or other pregnancy related in all my blog posts i'm actually going to attempt to bestow some advice about things that i've learned through this process. naturally, you need to find out what's best for you but i need to give a major shout out to my balance/exercise ball. if you are pregnant and reading this blog - it is MANDATORY mommy equipment. for instance, if bebe's in an uncomfortable position or if he's just kicking me extra maliciously and i want him to quiet down a bit -  i get on my knees, put my arms and chest over the ball, letting my belly hang freely, and rock back and forth, side to side, or in small circles. april, the midwife/doula who's teaching our birthing class, described it as "putting the baby in a hammock." you can do this on all fours without it but i LOVE the ball because it further stretches out your back and your legs and is so relaxing and comfortable. linzi, my doula and trainer, told me that it's a much better position to watch tv in rather than laying on the couch because of all the hidden benefits as well: again, like all the stretching, but it also exercises the pelvic floor and abdominals with little to no stress - which is a key factor in giving birth later on.

-mama bee strongly encourages a little ball lovin' each and every day.

birthing class & vitamin D- (see me after school)

so, the return of the nausea...we noticed totally coincided with my sudden new intake of 8,000 iu's of vitamin D with my morning breakfast of juice and oatmeal. after feeling "flu-ish" for most of the new years weekend, i did some quick online googling of "vitamin D overdose symptoms" and called my midwife on monday to be all like, "hey girly, what gives? you're the one who prescribed this tilt-a-hurl." though perhaps, in her defense, my naturally pale complexion DNA strands are rejecting any forms of artificial sunlight because really my people are descendants from underground dwellers (um, like fraggles!? or mole people!) and sun exposure would be like our kryptonite and make us all weak and kill our superpowers and stuff. or maybe after two years here i've just completely adjusted to seattle weather and therefor sunlight in any form is now just too foreign of a substance and my body is rejecting it like an infected kidney or lung.

to his credit, my husband says lovely things all the time like i have "creamy, alabaster skin." never things like: "dear god, why does your skin have this unworldly bluish tint?!" "are you descendant from albinos?" and "why can i see all your veins? you're like those freaky see-through guppies at the pet store."

anyway, midwife was completely blown away by my suggestion that there might be a connection (she'd never heard of such a thing) and recommended i go off the dosage completely and just to let her know if the symptoms went away. (they did).

so, huh, bummer dude. head scratcher. currently i'm taking a measly 1,000 iu dose at night before bed (also with food) and may attempt to gradually up the dosage to 4,000 ius but i'm thinking it's not a good idea to go any higher than that... wouldn't want to turn into one of those orange, jersey shore cast members.

HEAD OF THE CLASS


our first natural birth class with april was on wednesday and we loved it. she threw out a few weird/uncomfortable/outdated jokes at the beginning that had ND and i looking at each other nervously (um, did i make the wrong choice?) but we chalked it up to new class nerves and sure enough, the rest of it went swimmingly. and a few things in particular had us relax considerably:

1. we were NOT the couple with the earliest due date (as i think we were both convinced that we were already falling behind schedule/late to the "game" (as it were) with birthing procedure knowledge, finding a midwife and birth center and finally signing up for birth classes).

2. the four exercises that april had us practicing were all things that linzi already had me doing at our training sessions months ago.
a. pelvic tilts
b. cat/cow (yoga) poses
c. squats
d. kegels (yeah, you know what those are. fun little buggers).

3. and our funny/interesting tidbit: during the introduction portion i mentioned that ND and i were both originally from wisconsin. the couple next to us and in front of us chirped in that they were as all! we had all unconsciously sat near one another. woo! wisconsin trifecta FTW! ND is soooo wearing his wiskullsin shirt to the next class. :)

also, we're liking the whole late night class thing (7-9:30pm). it gives us a chance to wind down on the car ride home and talk about the session. we made a quick snack and then off to bed. ND puts his hand over my belly and he whispers to me that he "hopes this isn't bad, but i kind of wish you could be pregnant longer." perhaps a lot of third trimester women might have been offended by this statement as the whole uncomfortable "get this baby out of me!" sensations/aches and pains start to rear their ugly heads but i took it for the sweet way in which it was intended. and i wholeheartedly agree with him. it's so blissfully peaceful in these moments at night, laying together, feeling the baby kick us both and laughing, having the fun/dizzy anticipation, listening to each other breathing and being close without all the craziness and responsibility of a newborn just yet. it's bonded us completely and though i keep saying this is all happening much sooner than i planned, it's definitely happening at the right time for us as a family.

-mama bee's socks have been rocked.

28 weeks - the home stretch

why helllloooo there, third trimester, where did you come from?

i think i was bragging just a bit too much about how easy my pregnancy was going because overnight the nausea came back with avengance and i was on the couch for most of the new year's weekend. we rang in the new year with sighs, snuggles and naps. (it was actually rather wonderful despite feeling like ass). really, up until that point, the only thing i could remotely complain about was the heartburn. oh, the lovely, lovely heartburn. i told my family that i was incubating a small fire-breathing dragon. i really thought that if i exhaled long enough that at least some smoke would come out. (turns out, it just means bebe alf is going to be hairy. but hopefully just on his head, ok? i think i would completely freak out if i birthed a little baby ewok or sasquatch). but once i pop a few tums (a few times a day), he goes back to being a little, wiggly (poky, kicky, punchy, head-butting) baby boy. problem solved. which reminds me, my bottle of 160 extra strength tablets is down to a few green ones (i hate the green ones) and i need to restock before he starts practicing his fire juggling circus act. kids, amiright?

what i'm happiest about though was our first "official" midwife visit. we had a "get to know you" session before christmas (with another couple that was adorably just as nervous as i was) but this was our one-on-one with Jen - one of three midwives who would all be checking in on the baby and i as we progress into the final stages. just the few simple things she did during that session solidified my decision to leave the hospital and with it, my OB far, far behind. it's not that my doctor did anything wrong, per se, but like a lot of women i felt like just another number, ushered in to pee in a cup, give blood, then wait in a room for a half hour (most times much longer) for her to woosh in, flip through a chart, tell me everything looked "fine" and send me on my way. sure, i felt good, nothing felt "wrong", my baby did (and does) feel strong and healthy to me, i didn't have any crazy questions (because, let's face it, you can find most things online should a question come up that you don't feel is "doctor worthy" anyway) but that didn't mean that i felt like i was really getting the care i wanted either. plus, i really don't like the whole "no news is good news" way that the hospital tends to deal with things. they weren't giving me anything other than the bare minimum and frankly, this being my first baby, i was unsure of a lot of the questions i should be asking. 

in just our hour session with Jen, she pulled all of my previous paperwork from the hospital and went over everything with us. she told me my iron levels were a little low (nothing to be alarmed about and it's often quite common in pregnant women but she gave me a list of iron-rich foods i should start incorporating into my diet) and that my vitamin D levels were hella low. (something that i learned hospitals rarely even test for so she did her own blood culture and then gave me a call later when the results came in). um, yeah, because obviously i live in the city of sunshine! (ha ha, oh seattle, how i wish). and i work at a job with no windows anywhere near me and it's dark when i go to and from said job. in any case, she was bestowing upon me KNOWLEDGE! knowledge for which was formerly completely unbeknownst to me! and i could now thusly use such knowledge in order to procure vitamins and healthy foods with which to provide myself and my baby! so it was thusly spoken! and it was good! 

seriously, evergreen OB, WTF?! thanks for telling me absolutely NONE of this. 

Jen also had me lay on the table and she felt that he had turned so his head was already near my pelvis and she pointed out where his legs, arms and little butt were (oh, so that's what you've been sticking in my ribs, you little stinker). (my OB did the same hand sweep on me when i visited her the last time but informed me that "it was too early to tell position"). hmmm....

my midwife also pulled information on birthing classes, foods high in omega-3 (good!) and omega-6 (bad!), safe herbs to take during pregnancy and their positive and often preventative uses (good!), exercises to do during pregnancy (good! i have a personal trainer so this wasn't completely necessary but not everyone has access to such a kick-ass person and this is still more information my doctor never gave me). 

i called the favorite (i.e. most popular) birthing class and managed to get the last slot before it was full. hurray! huzzah! joy and rapture! so tomorrow is already our first class and i'm all sorts of nervous/excited. looking forward to hopefully meeting some new people that are of the same mindset.

on another note, a friend from college answered my facebook post/note awhile back about cloth/reusable diapers and how we're really interested to try it (i.e. cost saving, environment saving, cool hippie-parenting street cred) but we didn't know where to start or which brands to look at. she just sent us a bunch of bum genius brand diapers and assorted pads, burp cloths, laundry detergent (especially for baby stuff), the cutest bag ever to hold the wet diapers, and a nursing bra and a nursing top. i was completely overwhelmed. 

my brother's girlfriend found the cutest little boy outfits when she was out thrifting one day and gave them to me for christmas. 

our new york friends brought us some mementoes the last time they were in town:

friends from college i haven't seen in years gave us adorable clothes over christmas as well: 

my stepdaughter got us the cutest onesie and stuffed baby elephant:

my best friend from college and her husband (who just had a little boy themselves) sent us a box of goodies:

my last wedding clients sent us a thank you:

my stepson's best friend and her mom gave us some beautiful handmade clothes:

plus my cousin, whom i also haven't seen since she was just a wee one herself, just sent us another two boxes FULL of baby clothes. 

i actually get rather emotional when i think about all the people who have been so generous and supportive. and i can't even begin to say how much my mother and father and family members (you Geers and Alfs are without question included in this category) have done for us already. 

this little guy is so loved already. and he's being born into a pretty lucky, wonderful extended family.