17 weeks

i've been devouring this book - Ina May's Guide to Childbirth - based on the recommendation of my trainer and friend, linzi. i don't remember the exact moment that i decided i wanted to attempt a fully natural birth away from hospitals and epidurals and the white walls and florescent lights (and jello and horrible food) but it started to form early on in the pregnancy. having no previous knowledge of birth myself, i started to go off of stories i had heard from friends and family members (most of all whom had experienced hospital births). i started to ask my mother, my husband's mother and even my husband of what he remembered from the experience since his two teenage children, my stepchildren, were both born at the hospital. i was actually slightly surprised to learn that my mother went completely without drugs for both my brother and i. not that i doubted her strength as a woman whatsoever, completely the opposite, i had just thought perhaps 31 years ago that she wouldn't have been allowed as much say over her own body and what she wanted out of the experience. she did mention that she had asked for the epidural when delivering my brother (since it was heavily back labor and horribly painful) but it was too late by that point and she went without. it was liberating hearing this from her - having just this tiny piece of knowledge. there are so many studies out there arguing nature versus nurture and i tend to stand directly in the middle of the spectrum, but just knowing this genetic bond that we share and that my mother delivered her two children naturally gave me a lot of mental strength.

looking to my husband's mother, i learned that ND, the oldest of four, was the only one born at a hospital - the rest were born at home. there are times, like this one, that i really wish we weren't living so far from family at this point in my life - i would love to sit down with her and pick her brain for hours - but for now i'll have to settle for phone calls and emails. ND grew up almost completely off the grid at a time when i was watching cartoons and playing atari games. after he was born, his parents joined a community/commune where they all supported each other and lived off of the land. natural childbirth and midwives were simply the norm. however, his own experience with the birth of his own children in the hospital setting was very different and highly unsatisfactory. he told me he didn't feel a part of what was going on at all. it was a very distanced sort of experience and he even felt primarily "in the way." it made me really sad to hear that.

then i started to read articles upon articles about the rise of c-sections in the last decade (c-section rates higher at for-profit hospitals). how they corresponded and peaked with the for-profit hospitals and shift endings for doctors that couldn't be bothered to wait the course of a natural birth... i really felt as though this was a slightly revised version of my college pro-choice activism days all over again - something similar to "keep your laws off my body" only now it was "keep your revolving door birthing procedures and drug cycles off me and my baby and if you come near my vagina with a knife i will fucking kick you in the teeth".

suddenly i was terrified of giving birth. of not being listened to - of not being taken seriously - of being just another faceless patient to cut open, take money from and then shove out the door. in my 30+ years i have learned to trust myself and listen to what my body is telling me. i feel like a woman who is not allowed these things has part of her experience taken away. how quickly do we blindly follow what a doctor tells us is right because we doubt our own instincts? it makes sense though - this person has had more training, more life experience in this field - OF COURSE they know what they're talking about and what is best for me. but when does that line of blind acceptance become fuzzy when something in the back of your head starts telling you "i don't agree with this, this doesn't feel right"?

sometime in the early weeks of my pregnancy, ND and i met linzi at greenlake park in seattle. the loop is on a gorgeous little lake and one lap is 3 miles. that day we easily did 9. linzi was simply ecstatic with the news that ND and i were going to be parents. she hugged us and got all misty - it was adorable and more than a little reassuring since at that point i was still completely wigging out. the fact that someone thought we would be wonderful parents (more importantly that i would be a good mom - ND is already an incredible father) was really nice to hear. she told us all about how she had her first child in the hospital, the second at a birth center and the third at home. the home birth of her son took place in their bathroom with her husband sitting behind her, straddling her, his arms around her as she gave birth. how it was exhilarating and peaceful at the same time. how she reached down and felt his little head and pulled him up to her chest. it sounded amazing and beautiful - how a family is made. and all complications aside, it's how i want our family to begin as well.

the business of being born.

from IMDB:

"While the United States has perhaps the most advanced health care system in the world, it also has the second-highest infant mortality rate of any industrialized nation, and many have begun to question conventional wisdom regarding the way obstetricians deal with childbirth. While midwives preside over the majority of births in Europe and Japan, fewer than ten percent of American mothers employ them, despite their proven record of care and success. How do American doctors make their choices regarding the way their patients give birth, and who is intended to benefit? Director Abby Epstein and producer Ricki Lake offer a probing look at childbirth in America in the documentary The Business of Being Born, which explores the history of obstetrics, the history and function of Midwives, and how many common medical practices may be doing new mothers more harm than good."


this is the documentary i've been meaning to watch based on the recommendation of a pregnant friend. i waited until ND had gone out to run a few errands and i grabbed my laptop and did a quick search. i managed to find a working link within a few clicks (naughty naughty, i know - but having watched it i would certainly buy it and recommend it to any friends that might be considering a natural birth). it wasn't something i thought my husband would get into which is why i looked for it in the first place when he wasn't around but i should have known better. ND is and has always been supportive and open minded - we may not always agree on everything but he really listens to me and genuinely wants to be involved with the things that interest me. when i first started talking about wanting a natural birth, he not only respected my thoughts but applauded me for my research and determination and is standing by me 100%. he loved linzi's home birth story as much as i did and has been really looking forward to being an active participant in our child's birth. so when he came home that night, he got as sucked into the film as i was and insisted i start it over from the beginning. it's not a perfect portrayal and not to spoil anything for anyone but i was disappointed that the producer had to be rushed to the hospital at the end after her child was found to be breech - but at the same time it drove home the point that you can plan and plan and have your heart set on something but it might not go the way you want. i not only have to prepare myself for the birth itself but also for any pitfalls along the way. we took away a lot from this film, though - the first actual birth scene of the woman in the birthing pool in her living room made us both gasp out loud and i nearly started crying - it was so incredible and beautiful and not at all the scary, screaming, horrible depiction that so many television shows and movies would make you believe. perhaps for some this is not a spiritual experience - it is simply something that must be done in order to have that cuddly baby in your arms - this sin of eve and the hardships of childbirth. i won't fault anyone for thinking that way but it's not for me. yes, there is pain involved but this is life, miraculous and strange, and i believe there is a spiritual connection to be had - with this new person, my husband and the world in which we live.

at this point a home birth would be ideal but our location is not. we've already discussed the fact that a home birth in our particular apartment complex with thin-ish walls and locked hallways (if the midwife had to run out to get something - ND would have to leave me to let her back in) doesn't seem conducive to privacy or smooth sailing. if we owned a home or lived in a place that we were planning on staying for many years then that might have swayed us - but as it is, we're planning on moving shortly after the baby is born. secondly, i'm starting to love the idea of a water birth and a warm, clean environment where we wouldn't have to worry about the cat crying (or barfing) or loud neighbors partying or the multitude of other things that can happen when you live in a building with lots and lots of other people. so we're leaning toward a birth center run by midwives - still weighing our options this point but i'm that much closer to an informed decision based on everyone i've talked to as well as everything i've seen and read. i have to make an appointment with another midwife operated birthing center since the first one we checked out wasn't as highly recommended by a doula that i work with but it really feels like we're at least on the right path.

i guess the bottom line about planning our birthing experience as a whole is taking to heart something that you should go through your every day life with - hope for the best and expect the worst.